A

“A” stands for Anxiety.

It’s taken about 30 years for me to realize I have anxiety.

From a basic Google search, anxiety is defined as “a feeling of fear, dread, and uneasiness. It might cause you to sweat, feel restless and tense, and have a rapid heartbeat. It can be a normal reaction to stress.” Yes, anxiety is a normal feeling. It is a feeling you may get before a test, or when you’re assigned a new project at work. However, an anxiety disorder is where you are in that constant state of overwhelming anxiety and fear.

At times, I can keep my anxiety at bay, but the pandemic really unleashed a new side of me. My anxiety was crippling. It affected my work, my workout routines/classes I used to love, my relationship with my spouse, my friendships, my relationships with family, and ultimately it started to affect me physically.

Days turned into weeks, turned into months of feeling unproductive, and beating myself up for being unproductive. For missing deadlines, for not performing at my most optimal potential. If I could describe my anxiety to you, it would be a million thoughts zooming in and out, self-doubt, fear, overwhelming emotions, feeling stuck and frozen, but I need to do more, that I am not enough. All these thoughts, swirling around all at once. Similar to the photo you see up above.

So what brought me to the defining moment, the pinnacle of self-awareness?

I told myself, something has to change. I cannot keep going the way I’m going. I need to make an effort to change my course. I have always felt that I was a person who was very self-aware. I was able to make some connections and understand how my past and traumas affect my behavior and who I am today. However, whatever I was doing was not enough to get me out of this cycle, this pattern, this feeling.

I made the decision to start therapy. It was and still is worth it! For me, therapy is an investment in myself, to explore my unresolved trauma, to identify triggers, and learning how to reframe these negative thoughts.

Reframing: A technique used in Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), to identify automatic thoughts and replace them with a different perspective, or balance truths.

This is one of the first concepts I learned about in therapy. How can I adjust my reaction or thoughts with a different lens?

Example:

“I am not enough”
“My accomplishments are not enough”
“I am a failure”

Reframe:

“I am successful, I have accomplished XYZ”
”I did my best”
“It is okay to fail, failure is a normal life experience to get to know yourself” “If I fail, that thing, that task, that job, it’s not enough for me”

With anxiety, there are so many intrusive thoughts that come and take occupancy in my mind. The thought stays for too long, I sink into a state of overwhelming emotion.

Dear reader, I’m still working on reframing my brain to think differently than I have for the last 30 years of my life, and for now, this is something I am constantly working on. I am taking the time to identify the thoughts and emotions I’ve repressed that now bleed into my emotions and thought process of the present.

If you ever find yourself in such a position as this, pull out a pen and paper. Write down your intrusive thought(s) in one column. Reframe the thought(s). In the column next to the thought(s), write down what you genuinely know is true. Your truths, if you will. Your truth could be simple, “I woke up and got out of bed today”. This is a victory! You were not paralyzed by intrusive thoughts and stayed in bed all day. On the flip side, “I stayed in bed today” can also mean “I took the time to rest and give my body and mind what it needs”.

To me, reframing is a shift in perspective. Be kind and gentle to yourself.

This blog is meant to document my journey and healing process. I hope that I can share what I’ve learned through therapy and inspire you to have the courage to take the first step in your journey.