B
“B” is for Boundaries.
Boundaries has become quite the buzz word as we as a society have started to emphasize the importance of mental health.
Why are boundaries important? What is a boundary?
Per the APA Dictionary of Psychology, a boundary is “psychological demarcation that protects the integrity of an individual or group or that helps the person or group set realistic limits on participation in a relationship or activity.”
“Set realistic limits”. Boundaries are meant to keep us safe, to help us understand our comfort zones, and improve relationships by setting clear expectations and responsibilities.
As I reflect on the last 30 years of my life, “boundaries” was a concept that I was never taught, and something I don’t believe my family understands. In Vietnamese culture, there is a strong sense of filial piety and family duty. If you’ve never heard of this term, a quick Google search defines it as “the attitude of obedience, devotion, and care toward one’s parents and elder family members that is the basis of individual moral conduct and social harmony.”
With the emphasis on family duty, I learned that it was best to cast aside my emotions, my personal interests, and unfortunately my authentic self to appease my parents/family. Even now, I have conversations with my therapist about actions and choices I’ve made, in order to get my parents’ approval. At the end of the day, what was it all for? More often than not, I did not get their approval, or at least they would never say so out loud. I would go about my life being a people-pleaser to compensate for the lack of approval I received growing up.
This is the reason some boundaries are much more difficult for me to uphold. There were times I would allow others to cross my boundaries because I didn’t want to create an uncomfortable situation.
A lot of times, we allow people to cross our boundaries because we don’t want to hurt their feelings, we want to avoid an uncomfortable conversation. Remember the boundaries are for you to honor your limits and set realistic limits. Many people don’t have their own boundaries, and perceive boundaries as “selfish” or interpret boundaries as abandonment or rejection.
There are seven boundaries:
Physical - protect your space and body
Property/Financial - protect your the things you own and financial resources
Emotional - the space to have and show emotion/feelings and thoughts
Sexual - your right to consent
Intellectual - how you see the world
Spiritual - your right to practice and believe in your religious or spiritual beliefs
Time - how you spend your time, with people/activities
Along with these seven boundaries, there are also non-negotiable boundaries. Deal breakers. These are things you need in order to feel safe, for example physical violence. The key to these non-negotiable boundaries is that you have to be willing to follow through.
So how do you implement boundaries? Set a boundary by having the conversation and having a consequence for the person who crosses your boundary.
Set the boundary and determine what your limit is. How many times can a person cross your boundary before you implement a consequence? Each person has to define what that limit is. For me, it’s two times.
For example, a friend touches your hair. You asked them to stop, “I don’t like it when people touch my hair”. They continue to touch your hair, or they touch your hair the next time they see you. The consequence can be walking away from the person, or taking break from them after you’ve reiterated your boundary. “Hey, I told you I don’t like it when people touch my hair, I think I need some space from you”.
Boundaries may be a concept that is foreign or new to you; however, boundaries are essential to maintain or improve your self-esteem, as well as your sense of self worth. I encourage you to take the time to identify your boundaries, take note if there are boundaries that your friends or family tend to cross, or if there are some types of boundaries you struggle with more than others. Remember your voice, you are entitled to have boundaries, the hardest part is learning how to communicate your boundaries and following through. Remember that upholding your boundaries are worth it because YOU are worth it!