Small Steps

Starting. They say starting is always the hardest part. Add in anxiety, and starting seems almost impossible sometimes.

I have a hard time starting things that I dread. Back then, I had a lot of anxiety when it came to studying during school. Initially I thought I had a hard time focusing, but I recently had a realization that my procrastination is actually rooted in anxiety.

I would rather do anything else than to start the task or the thing I was dreading. I would complete other tasks that kept me busy, like house chores, or respond to emails. Anything to make me feel like I accomplished something, meanwhile avoiding that ‘thing’.

On the other hand, it’s interesting to reflect on “starting” something that aligns with your interests and talents. When I first launched this blog, I did it because I love to write. I am much better at expressing myself in writing than expressing myself when I speak.

I wanted to launch a blog for years, I just didn’t know what I wanted to write about. I was worried I would be all over the place with my many different topics and interests. I was scared, thinking “what if no one wants to read my content?”

When I took a break from posting on my blog, I had put this pressure on myself to create “good content”. I wanted to write something meaningful for people to relate with. To share knowledge or some new information that might help someone else out there have an “Ah hah” moment. To encourage someone to start their therapy journey. To help someone who’s also dealing with anxiety and depression to feel less alone.

I realized that those are all great goals to have, but ultimately I am a writer.

The quote from Alan Watts is something I keep going back to.

“And after all, if you do really like what you’re doing, it doesn’t matter what it is, you can eventually turn it – you could eventually become a master of it. It’s the only way to become a master of something, to be really with it. And then you’ll be able to get a good fee for whatever it is. So don’t worry too much. That’s everybody is – somebody is interested in everything, anything you can be interested in, you will find others will.”

This quote gave me the courage to keep writing, because at the end of the day, writing brings me a lot of joy. Perhaps one day, I can become a master of writing, but this takes time, patience, and practice.

I reached a turning point when my friend said “you’re a writer”. It felt strange to hear that. It felt even more strange to write that down and to utter these words out loud, but I told myself that I’m not going to shy away from the things that make me feel self-conscious or anxious about. I’m stepping out of my comfort zone to grow in my writing.

Opening up an empty page and starting to write was once a very daunting task, but now, the feelings of dread and anxiety aren’t overwhelming like they used to be. I don’t have to worry about “creating good content”, or add pressure to provide value to my reader. I can let my thoughts flow through the words on a page.

So if there’s been anything that you’ve been thinking about starting: some idea or hobby or passion passion project, just start. Take small steps. Perhaps it’s finding another friend or two to keep you accountable, or perhaps you just start with 5 minutes of research a day. Eventually the small steps turn into more of a routine and it will help you to keep going. Then starting won’t feel as anxious or dreadful as it once did.