Validation
Validation is defined as: “recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile”.
Why are so many of us fixated on validation? Why do we find ourselves seeking external validation more often than internal validation?
I recently left my career I’ve built for seven years to explore a completely different path. It took three years for me to get comfortable with the idea of change and to allow myself to try something new. Your first thought is probably, “why did it take you so long?”
During those years, my subconscious really held onto the idea that a change in career meant I was a failure. It took several therapy sessions and CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) to help me to reframe this mindset. Only within the past six months did I realize why I held onto this belief.
If you have a similar upbringing as me, your parents were first generation immigrants who were in survival mode. They were strict, but always wanted the best for you. They showed love in their own way, perhaps in the only way they knew how to show love. They did their best, but you were never heard, or truly seen for who you are.
You can relate when I describe how I expressed my love for dance, only for my parents to say that I can never make a career out of dancing. Then a few years later, I expressed my love for writing, only to hear the same response. Writing won’t pay the bills. And so, I cast aside the things I loved in pursuit of the person my parents wanted me to be. I tried my best to pursue science, and go into healthcare, but I couldn’t do it. I went back to school for my Master’s degree in business school and picked a career in audit.
It wasn’t healthcare, but I noticed similar themes between the two. My parents wanted me to go into healthcare because it was a stable career that’s in high demand, which meant that I would always have a job. Well, audit offered me the same thing: stability, a job in high demand, and good benefits. I also had the option to work from home during a pandemic, which unfortunately, a lot of my family and friends in healthcare didn’t have that option.
Suddenly, I realized it wasn’t just failure that was holding me back. I am still seeking validation from my parents.
Abraham Maslow states, "What a man can be, he must be". This quote refers to self-actualization. “Self-actualization is the final stage in the linear growth of an individual. Maslow believed that in order to achieve this state of personal fulfilment, the person must first satisfy the preceding needs (i.e. physiological, safety, love/belonging, and esteem, in that order).”
To continue reading about “Self-actualization”, see: https://www.interaction-design.org/literature/article/self-actualization-maslow-s-hierarchy-of-needs
I think part of me still dreams and wishes that one day, my parents will finally approve of the life I have chosen to create for myself. Hoping one day, they can be happy for me because I am happy.
In the article linked above, “seeking validation disconnects us from listening to our own intuition. Our decisions are best left to ourselves and listening to our gut-feeling when thinking of how to proceed.”
I’m working on reframing and relying on self-validation. I’m slowly peeling away the layers of society’s expectations, my parents’ expectations, family and friends’ expectations of who I should be, and establishing my own worthiness. So I can finally become the person I was always meant to be and express who I am and what I’m capable of with confidence.